March 2000
This month we are whispering; there’s been too much shouting recently. There are two occasions when people shout more than they usually might: one is when they they are born and one is when they die. The internet fertility clinics are still in full swing, rather like the docklands development quango of the too soon forgotten thatcher years (remember you only love Ken because you hated her) we are not checking too thoroughly for sociological deficiencies. In fact research by top management consultants has borne out my suspicion that most self made millionaires are mainly repressed pshyscopaths. The business model of the new millennium is to give your hard earned (as oppossed to soft earned) cash to deluded nutters and let them shout their heads off until they’ve calmed down and then perhaps the rest of us can get on with the conversation we started 5 or 6 six years ago about information technology and the birds and the bees (not in front of the children).

The excitement whispered amongst a few boring young farts about universal communication looks rather quaint in comparison with the excitement yelled over the rooftops by advertising agencies in between lovely old cranky TV cliches. The shouting done by boo.com has left it hoarse; maybe in their dying breath they can croak out the words ‘water water’, ‘give me some air’. the oxygen of publicity is duly applied, but hold on George Clooney, the patient was dead on arrival, still-born I think; no amount of shock treatment will raise a heartbeat. So what are the conditions for the perfect birth plan? A quiet conviction, a soft launch, a reason for existence; all those things that made us invest £10 a month in our Demon connection in 1994. if you have something to sell by all means cash in but the real gold in the internet mother lode is not so easily mined.

To make the most of your internet conceptual capital bear these useful rules in mind; if your url is already taken it is obviously not as original as you thought, think again. if a venture capitalist understands your your business model it is probably very ‘last year’ (about half an hour ago) think again. If you would rather risk some else’s money on your venture, think again. Servers might be expensive but they are dirt cheap compared to the rent of shops. Put up an obscure, hard to navigate site, with a severely restricted audience of low income specialists, don’t tell anyone about it until at least 6 months after you’ve put it up and then deny authorship at all costs. Force your very restricted audience to jump through hoops to get your site and then insult them at every turn. I don’t want you to want we, I want you to need me.